


Living On The Outside Of Your Skin

by ethelindi (eventide), last_illusions (injured_eternity), melliyna



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Families of Choice, Gen, Hotch Is Mom, Rape Recovery, Rossi is Dad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-28
Updated: 2010-05-28
Packaged: 2017-10-09 18:26:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/90257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eventide/pseuds/ethelindi, https://archiveofourown.org/users/injured_eternity/pseuds/last_illusions, https://archiveofourown.org/users/melliyna/pseuds/melliyna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you take the burdens up yourself to survive, what does that do. A conversation on the jet in the quiet hours. Spoilers for S5 in general and set somewhere in the Foyet Lives universe. Title from a song by <i>Cloud Cult</i> and co-authored by last_illusions and ethelindi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Living On The Outside Of Your Skin

When Dave brings it up, it's not at the crime scene (because if anyone was past master at the fine art of Sneakily Vanishing to Fall Apart, it was Hotch) but on the plane, because the "kids" are asleep and hey, if there's any time Aaron is ever going to talk, it might be now in the silence of a safe place without people around who he feels he will burden.

"You okay there?"

Aaron doesn't answer right away, gaze fixed on the table. "Dave, I used to tell rape survivors that the scars become less, but they never fade. I never knew that at all, then."

"I don't think anyone can who hasn't lived it, Aaron. You did the best you could with what you had."

And apparently, he's got Aaron on a verbal day. "You really, really don't know, until... it's knowing that every day you'll still have moments when it's nothing but violation all over again. And they--they have to try and live their lives with these scars, try to make sure it doesn't fall on anyone else and try to find how...."

Rossi wishes he was better at this. He's not, but he's here and that has to be the starting point. Particularly because if he doesn't say something, Aaron's going to run out of breath and still keep talking and blue is really not the best color on him.

"Hotch." (He says Hotch deliberately there. Not Aaron, not now.) "You can touch people even if you aren't right," he insists, which at least gets Aaron's attention. And then he continues with the part he doesn't know he should be saying, because it's possibly far too loaded and far too soon: "And people can touch you even if they aren't right."

Freezing, Aaron looks up, confusion and shock and the memories of pain flitting through eyes that are haunted all over again. And then he sighs. "I suppose we'd all be out of a job if they couldn't." Somewhat absently, he runs the tip of a finger along the edge of the closed file folder in front of him. "It's..." He shakes his head, seems to change tactics, actually meets Dave's eye. "I have lost count of the number of years I have done this job. I have been shot, stabbed, held captive, tortured, and everything else you can think of short of murdered." Pausing, he sighs again, and Dave is careful not to say anything--right now, it's not all that difficult, since he's almost speechless at his friend's sudden openness. "And despite all of that, I manage to keep my distance when we're talking to victims' families, somehow. Objectivity is crucial when we're in the field; how many times have we said that to a roomful of recruits?"

"Enough that they roll their eyes at us every time we say it, so long as they think we're not looking." It was a rhetorical question, but Dave can be a smartass, and he knows when it's a good thing, even if he doesn't always listen to his brain when it tells him to keep quiet. This time, it gets a laugh out of the younger agent, which is all he was trying for.

"True," he answers, then almost instantly sobers. "I just don't know if I'll have that anymore. Other things, they've stuck with me for a while, but this? I can't get it out of my head." He holds up a hand like he's forestalling a response, except Dave doesn't have one; he lets the assumption slide anyway. "I know, we're supposed to get in their heads, not the other way around, but this... it feels different." Pausing, he runs a hand over his hair, then stops entirely like he's reassessing the entire conversation; it turns out he is, because the next thing he says is, "I can't believe I just said all of that."

"Neither can I," Dave answers with a dry grin, "but it was probably healthy for you."

Aaron huffs out a half-laugh, rubbing the back of his neck the way he does when he's feeling awkward or embarrassed and can't quite hide it all under his usual stoicism.

"But it feels different to everyone," Dave continues, "not just you. Everyone thinks its different for them, probably because it is. You have a right to that, my friend."

"I'm not--" Aaron cuts himself off, shaking his head. "I sound like a complete hypocrite, don't I."

It's a statement, not a question; Dave answers anyway. "Not entirely, you don't." The other man shoots him a skeptical raised brow, and he corrects himself. "All right, yes, you do. But that mindset won't stay with you forever." Tipping his head to the side, he surveys his friend. "You passed the psych exam. Do you really think this will impair your ability to do your job?"

Aaron looks down, away, but when he speaks, his tone is somewhere between amused and exasperated. "We wrote that exam, Dave," he points out, "so perhaps the thought has crossed my mind."

And now Dave's more grateful than he thought that they're tucked into the back corner of the plane, away from everyone, because they haven't been this honest, this frank with each other for a while. Too long, really. "I know you, Aaron," he says (he can afford Aaron, now; if they're not out of the proverbial woods, they're at least a little less lost). "I've known you longer than anyone else on this team, and I have watched you do some damn stupid things since then." The corner of the younger agent's mouth quirks up, and Dave tries to keep his expression as open as possible--it won't do to have gotten this far and start closing off on him. "But I have never, ever seen you quit, even after Arizona, which is the only time I actually thought you would." He offers a half-smile and adds, "I also thought Haley would have my balls when she finally got you back, but that's neither here nor there."

"If I hadn't been halfway to dead, she probably would have." The assessment hits a little too close to home in more ways than one, but Aaron draws in a breath and tries not to flinch away from his own words. "It's impossible to tell, isn't it?"

He's not talking about Haley anymore, or the assignment that almost killed him two months into his tenure in the BAU. "It is. But there is not a person in this team who is not behind you. But we're not mind-readers, either, and you when you've closed off and are trying to just survive on your own because you're afraid of breaking are pretty damn hard to get through and don't you dare tell me that's not the case," he warns without breaking stride when he sees Aaron open his mouth in indignant protest. "I've been there, remember?"

It's his turn to sigh, and he draws a hand across his face. Neither of them are the heart-to-heart speech making sort, and to say that this is uncomfortable is the understatement of the year. Still, he's aware enough to know he might be the only one Aaron would have this conversation with, at least inside the Bureau, so he keeps talking.

"I don't know what it means to be a survivor of rape," he accedes, voicing the word even though instinct tells him to cringe away from it, "and selfish though it might be, I hope I never do. But I do know what it means to be a survivor, and I figure that has to mean something. It does improve, the scars, it just takes longer than it feels it really should."

Drawing in a long breath, Aaron just looks at Dave. "You and I, we're not very good at this, not with each other."

Dave actually laughs, albeit softly. "No, no we're not. There's probably a reason why we've got a rule against inter-team profiling."

With a minute nod, the other agent gives him a small smile. "Probably for the best." A pause; then, "Thanks."

"The only other one who would actually kick your ass here is maybe Derek," Dave answers with a slight shrug, trying to maintain a straight face, "and you can fire him again, so he might be a little more cautious than I am." It's as close to "you're welcome" as he's probably going to let himself get. It will be enough, though, implied or not, because at least they've had the conversation, and he's got the feeling that's more of a breakthrough than either of them expected.


End file.
